well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
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