Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
