So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
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