i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
I almost masterbated to the avatar love scene ha it was so hot
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
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