I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
Oh well. haha. i couldn't really understand what she was saying. i just nodded a lot. i guesss she found that sexy.
gotta love spring break
gotta love slutty girls from the south
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
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