it wasn't lemon gatorade
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Randomize
