U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
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