You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
