I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu
So you're taking me there this weekend?
oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
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