420 ftw
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
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