then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Randomize
