Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
Randomize
