I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
Randomize
