Is there a tactful way for me to ask a girl to let me know when she gets her period?
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
that girl last night was a 15
wait she was 15?
no like black jack not sure if you should hit it
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize
