I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Randomize
