Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
It's blow job season.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Randomize