This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
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