Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Randomize
