She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
