i was shrooming and she was sobbing. i was trying to be sympathetic, but i could see the veins working like worms under her skin. and then her face stripped down to the muscle.
what was she crying about?
i wanna say it was the lack of skin on her face but maybe she lost her job.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Randomize
