I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
I have a story that starts with Nutella and ends with sex in the laundry building at RIT.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
Alive.
So much puke
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
