Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
