Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
