NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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