I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Randomize
