dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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