If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
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