The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
