Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
Randomize
