I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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