Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
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