She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
Randomize
