I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
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