I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
