fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
Randomize
