Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
