Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Randomize
