Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
