I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
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