1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Randomize
