I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
