I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
