My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
