Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
