Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
there is puke in my bra ... again
Randomize
