I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
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