I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
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