My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
Randomize
