Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
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