God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
