apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
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