Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
Randomize