in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
