and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
Use "feeling words"
Yay
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Randomize
