Old men and throwing up are my life now.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
Randomize
