those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Randomize
