i want tt clbm rinabw nd ride uncrn
what?
i wnt tto climb a rainboww and ride a unicornnnnnnnnn
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Randomize
