i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Randomize
