I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
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