so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
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